So, someone said this phrase today, and I liked it, so I took it:

Selective Forgiveness

I really like this phrase. It makes one really think if one is open enough to do so. Selective.....meaning not a whole, but just a part. Hmmmm, that probably gets the hackles up for some. Only forgive some things??? Be selective??? That does not sound very Christlike does it?

Regardless, I think it is a very wise statement and more accurate than most want to admit and full of TRUTH.

When someone has done something that we need to forgive, it is usually not just one thing they have done. Here is an example. I have a necklace that my parents gave me as a teenager. Now, being in my 40's I do not wear it often, just on special occasions, so it sits in my jewelry box, waiting for when I choose to pull it out.

My daughter wants to wear it to a school function. I tell her no as she is not responsible and I do not desire for the necklace to be lost or broken as it holds deep sentimental value to me as well as containing precious stones and gold . Daughter decides she will wear it, she takes it from my jewelry box without permission, and proceeds to lose it. She does not tell me. Six months later I go to wear the necklace to a family function and it is gone. I ask her if she knows where it is, she lies and says no. I hunt and hunt, finally after some time, her brother tells me that his sister wore it to school X months ago, that is the last time he saw it.

At this time I go to daughter, she lies again, I tell her I know and how, and she finally fesses up. I am angry, hurt, sad. I will need to forgive her. But it is not just a blanket forgiveness. I believe that forgiveness should be deliberate and detailed to be the most effective. In the above case, I need to evaluate all the things I need to forgive. My daughter stole, she invaded my privacy, she disrespected my wishes, she lied, she hid, she lost my necklace which means I have to grieve the sentiment of what it meant to me, as well as any value it might have held monetarily.

There could be other facets that I have not even realized as of yet, and will have to work through as I become aware of them. I may be able to forgive some things easier and sooner than others. For me, I can understand why she would lie and why she would hide what she did, so those will probably come first. But the sentiment part will be more difficult for me and my personal value system, that will take more work and time. Also, her attitude once she knows I know the truth will play a factor in this as well. Ultimately I will forgive even if she chooses to keep being obstinate and never apologizes, but if she apologizes quickly with true remorse it will help me move through forgiveness faster.

This is a simple example, which comes out a bit complex. If we can see some complexities in simple situations, then we can imagine even more complexities in deep, wounding offenses all the more and realize that healing/forgiving will not just be one event, but many, a series of forgiving choices before the offense as a whole is properly worked through.

What Forgiveness Is Not
Forgiveness is not forgetting.
Forgiveness is not condoning.
Forgiveness is not absolution.
Forgiveness is not a form of self-sacrifice.
Forgiveness is not a clear-cut, one-time decision.

Forgiveness is a way of reaching out from a bad past and heading out to a more positive future. ~ Marie Balter

What Forgiveness Is
Forgiveness is a by-product of an ongoing healing process.
Forgiveness is an internal process.
Forgiveness is a sign of positive self-esteem.
Forgiveness is letting go of the intense emotions attached to incidents from our past.
Forgiveness is recognizing that we no longer need our grudges and resentments, our hatred and self-pity.
Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish the people who hurt us.
Forgiveness is accepting that nothing we do to punish them will heal us.
Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds.
Forgiveness is moving on