Either/or Both/And

So, someone asked: "What do I follow, my emotions (heart) or my convictions (intellect)?" And the first thing that pops into my mind is this struggle we have with either/or. It touches all aspects of our life, for example I am either a SAHM or a working mom, I am either healthy or not, I am either an emotional person or an intellectual, I am either male or female, I am either Christian or Pagan, Democrat or Republican.

We spend the majority of our life as a society in this either/or thought pattern. "I" have spent the majority of my life in this thought pattern. BUT I have also struggled in this because I was born with a brain that sees all the angles, all the pros and cons to both sides, for the EITHER and for the OR. Because of this I had a hard time choosing an EITHER, or and OR. I can see the positive and negative for the EITHER and the positive and negative for the OR, oh the dilemma this can cause. I see what I could miss out on by picking one over the other, but I also know in our society that I just cannot have both, I must choose, we all must choose, it is thus deemed so we can know where people stand, so we can have direction and purpose, so we can group ourselves together for a common purpose the purpose of the EITHER or the OR. The Either/OR defines us, it is a way of identification and expression of who we are, but it also limits us.

I have come to the conclusion that Either/OR is not the final say on being and choice. The limitations that the EITHER/OR imposes are shattered if you begin to see the world as BOTH/AND.

I can be both a Democrat, (liking some of the democratic stances, admiring some of their causes, while not limiting myself to being stuck with the issues I do not agree with) and a Republican (embracing their values and causes that serve me and my conscious while not being grouped into thought patterns that do not sit with who I am). I can be a health nut who exercises, does cleanses, monitors my eating, meditates, while also indulging in not so healthy things such as smoking, or birthday cake, or martinis. I do not have to be either healthy or not healthy, I can blend the two to have a balance that works for me.

Back to the original question, emotions or convictions? Why pick one over the other, what would you gain by picking emotions, well lets see. If you pick emotions, you will feel good about getting your feelings out, you will feel satisfied by the constant expression of those emotions, you would be true to yourself, you would be operating at your gut level which is the closest to the core of who you are. You would live without doubts of others wondering what you feel about subjects because it would be out there all the time, no guesswork (at least from your perspective). These are all good things, but could there be negative to following only emotions? Well, yes, there are. Our emotions are fickle and ever changing, to follow them solely would be to live a life of constant upheaval and uncertainty for yourself but even more so for those around you. Emotions are also fleeting, so an angry emotion expressed one day may only be 1% of your true feelings on a certain subject, but some might misconstrue it to be more because anger is felt more deeply by others than other emotions, so you would be running the risk of being seen for just the anger part of your feelings on a subject. Emotions are abstract, they are not concrete, they cannot be tied down and forced to stay the same, there is not certainty and surety.

If you pick only your intellect to follow, you will get the benefit of clear thinking, of continuity, of certainty. You will have direction because your intellect will help you see the path to follow and show you the steps to take along the way to stay on the path, it is safe, it is known, it is more secure. You will depend on your education and experience to set the foundation for what to do and how to do it. You will have less questions and be able to forge on ahead with less uncertainty. There is comfort in having a clear direction to follow. BUT, following the intellect only can be very stifling and can also put you down a path your heart does not want to be on. You can find yourself in a life that is slowly suffocating who you really are, and in some cases betraying who you are. It is a life of facts based on external factors vs a life based on your core of who you are regardless of the external world you are residing in.

To force one to pick between the emotion and the intellect is to limit oneself, to in essence make one a slave to the choice. Why cannot it be BOTH/AND? I say that it "HAS" to be both/and, in order for life to be full and completely experienced. Why not utilize your emotions to tune into your gut feelings on the subject to find out what your core being really wants/needs in the situation and then run that through the intellect to analyze the pros and cons and figure out the path that will be most beneficial to you and allow you to keep on the path of growth than limiting yourself, ultimately shutting down growth. Or, do it the opposite if that works best for you, run the situation through your intellect first and then see how you feel about it and go back and forth until both your intellect and emotion are on the same page and can both be comfortable with the choice of action to be made.

So, what do you think, is life EITHER/OR or is it BOTH/AND?

Change vs Growth

We are a culture dedicated to change. I smoke, I need to CHANGE and stop smoking, I am overweight, I need to CHANGE and lose weight, I don't have friends, I need to CHANGE and become a person who attracts friends, I do not have a significant other, I need to CHANGE my hair, my nails, my clothes, etc. to attract suitors, I need to work non stop to buy clothes and expensive cars to impress others and I am going bankrupt, I talk like a sailor, I need to CHANGE that, and on and on.

All this focus on what is perceived as negative and how to CHANGE it into what is perceived as a positive. All this judgement of what is negative and what is positive by our self and those all around us.

Look at babies. Sure a 30 year old man who still needs his diaper changed, sucks a pacifier, and does not walk on his own (even though he could) is a very distasteful thought. But for a baby, it is only natural.

Everyone starts off doing all these "negative" things, but they do not stay there, they move on, they GROW and the changes come naturally. No forced change, no striving, no feeling guilty, (unless of course we as parents think they are not growing fast enough and convey this to them).

Babies do not think "oh, gee, I am not walking fast enough, I must skip this crawling stage and get on to walking, how pathetic I am." Babies grow automatically, it is what we are designed to do, without having to force it. Certainly babies can get distracted and side tracked from their own growth. Well meaning parents can interfere, other pursuits can take the time needed for growth, and so on, but left to their own, babies grow into children, children keep growing, and eventually become adults.

The thing I see is that the natural pattern of growth gets stopped along the way and a non-natural, fabricated growth gets foisted upon children and their natural growth gets derailed, or slowed down. Children are taught when to learn things, they are told if they learn fast enough or not. They are told what they can learn and what they have to "wait" to learn. This is the beginning of turning growth into CHANGE. The longer the natural pattern of growth is derailed, is not allowed to be, the more difficult it is to get back into that pattern. We stop allowing growth to guide us and begin to guide ourselves, but we are not grown enough to do so. We delude ourselves into thinking we know what is best for us (or more accurately we think we know what is best for others, but call it us), where we need to CHANGE, and we begin to focus on that, taking all energy and focus off of natural growth, and then all hell breaks loose.

One day we wake up with all these forced CHOICES we must make daily to live a positive productive life and contributor to society. Life becomes a big jumble of "musts" and "must nots", "shoulds" and "should nots", "can" and "cannots". We spend energy focused on these CHANGES/CHOICES that our lives become consumed by them, engulfed by them, we lose who we are.

Imagine one day waking up, after a lifetime of natural growth and progression, no shoulds, no time lines, no standards, no charts and percentiles to measure up to, just your own personal growth allowed to flourish and direct itself. You would not have to focus on all those CHOICES. Sure you may smoke now, but if you continue your growth, eventually you will grow out of your need to smoke instead of having to force a CHANGE. Sure you may be overweight now, but you will begin to exercise and eat more healthy when you are ready and it will be fun and not a chore or a burden because your growth will put you in the right frame of mind when you get there. (I can hear people murmuring saying "but you could die from these things before you grow through them, you must CHANGE in order to not lose your life", but I think that is just judgemental alarmist thinking, cause I think if we allowed our natural growth to never be stunted or derailed then we would grow at a natural pace that would be faster than the CHOICE/CHANGE method).

The focus we have as a culture on change needs to stop. We need to get back to reality, and work with the natural order of life. Change is necessary, but change does not have to be such work, change will happen all on its own if we allow and focus on growth instead and allow it to move at its own pace. So, what CHANGES do you need to make in your life? How about not focusing on those changes but focusing and pouring your energy into your own personal growth and see how that effects those areas you feel need to change. See if you want to keep harming your body by smoking and eating poorly once you have grown to realize how special you are and how wonderful your body is, not just to say it but to really feel it, to KNOW it. See if you want to keep spending money and getting deeper into debt, to buy the latest fashions, and the fastest car to attract others to you once you grow and realize that the person you are inside is who people are really attracted to, and that person is way more valuable and important than the clothes you wear and the car you drive (not that you cannot enjoy nice clothes and cars, but you do not NEED them to have people love you).

What a concept huh? What a less harried, less judgemental, less forced way of being.

It sounds great, but I can also hear the murmur of "How do I get back to my natural growth? I have been in CHANGE/CHOICE mode for so long I have forgotten my natural progression." Yep, this is true and a very valid thought. I think the answer/response to this is as varied as we are varied, there is no one size fits all solution. We need to take the time to search our self, to find that small still voice inside again and be able to hear it without drowning it out with all the shoulds/oughts/musts. Some of us will do this by spending time alone in thought, some will exercise to get back there, some will spend time in nature, some will read, some will go to groups, some will seek counsel, some will journal, some will meditate/pray, some will try all of these things until one of them clicks for them and they hear the voice again. Some of us are closer to our natural growth than others and it will come easier and faster, but do not give up, it is there and once you feel it, all the searching will have been worth it, it is the pearl of great price to be sure.

Forwards

So, this shows up in my inbox today. I have seen it before. It has been forwarded to me many times by various people.

Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. WE spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. WE have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

WE drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

WE have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love to seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. we've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We , but learn less. we plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicated less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember; to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Today, though, my H sent it and asked me if it really was attributed to George Carlin. So I snoped it and sure enough it was not said by George Carlin, he as a matter of fact spoke out against it, saying it was sappy shit.

Now you might think this is a post about verifying things. Nope, but as an aside, this is why I do not forward things. I receive many forwards like this, but chose not to take the time to verify in order to send on, or I will verify if I find the e-mail to be specifically touching to me, or forward with a warning that I could not verify it.

On one hand I think that it does not necessarily matter who or what wrote some of the inspirational stuff floating around out there, if it can stand on its own two feet for what it is alone, then it is ok to accept it as it is. One issue that disturbs me though is the "necessity" of belief that things have to have a story, a good background, a reason to be out there to have meaning. If something touches you, no matter where it comes from, can it not just stand on its own for the and be of value solely for the meaning of the words to ones being?

But, on the other hand, this was written by a pastor who has had 17 people accuse him of sexual molestation during his 29 years of "ministry". So, to know the true author does open another dimension regarding the words written. First I have to ask myself if this negates the words for what they are alone. Second I ponder how a person who is speaking about a way of life, a better way and the trap of a lesser way can do so when living the life he was. Sure it was alleged, so perhaps he really was pure as the driven snow, but if not, was he preaching to himself as much as to others in this? How do people write these things and pass them off as something else. The author probably did this originally, writing something, espousing something that he himself did not fully walk out in his own personal journey, but thought that others needed to hear it, the method of focusing on others instead of focus on self, focusing on pointing out the faults of the world instead of sitting in the presence of our self and focusing on our issues and need to change and grow. At this level the words written become more than just the words written, there is a story within a story, a variety of avenues to explore are revealed, and it becomes more than just the original message, it becomes a life story, perhaps one of repentance and redemption, or one of pride and blindness to self for an example.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/paradox.asp

Random quotes I found interesting

Each person is good in God's sight. It is not necessary for eagles to be crows, or meadowlarks to be hawks.
Sitting Bull (Lakota Sioux Chief) ___________________________________________________

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot, and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.
Michael Jordan
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One day a man approached Ikkyu and asked, "Master, will you please write for me some maxims of the highest wisdom?" Ikkyu took his brush and wrote, "Attention." "Is that all?" asked the man. Ikkyu then wrote, "Attention. Attention." "Well," said the man, "I really don't see much depth in what you have written." Then Ikkyu wrote the same word three times: "Attention. Attention. Attention." Half-angered, the man demanded, "What does that word 'Attention' mean anyway?" Ikkyu gently responded, "Attention means attention."
Zen story from Japan
The principal form that the work of love takes is attention. When we love another, we give him or her our attention, we attend to that person's growth.
M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled ____________________________________________________

We must travel in the direction of our fear.
John Berryman
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Follow the three R's: Respect for Self; Respect for Others; Responsibility for all your Actions.
Dalai Lama (attributed)
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Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.
Thomas a Kempis
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To plunge the world into the great joy of coupling, God became both man and woman, and graciously performed the act of marrying. Who can comprehend the acts of a Lord who does all this for us? Parancati Muivar, The Secret Marriage of Shiva and Parvati
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A life of the spirit brings not peace but a sword, as Jesus put it, a sword that is going to cut away every vestige of the nonsense that disturbs our wholeness, development, and power.
Joseph Chilton Pearce, The Bond of Power
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[On his 80th birthday, John Quincy Adams responded to a query concerning his well-being:]
John Quincy Adams is well. But the house in which he lives at present is becoming dilapidated. It is tottering upon its foundation. Time and the seasons have nearly destroyed it. Its roof is pretty well worn out. Its walls are much shattered, and it trembles with every wind. I think John Qunicy Adams will have to move out soon, but he himself is quite well. Quite well.
John Quincy Adams
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Training is needed in order to love properly; and to be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking directed toward the person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly. Understanding is the essence of love. If you cannot understand, you cannot love. . . . If a husband, for example, does not understand his wife's deepest troubles, her deepest aspirations, if he does not understand her suffering, he will not be able to love her in the right way. Without understanding, love is an impossible thing. What must we do in order to understand a person? We must have time; we must practice looking deeply into this person. We must be there, attentive; we must observe; we must look deeply. And the fruit of this looking deeply is called understanding. Love is a true thing if it is made up of a substance called understanding.
Thich Nhat Hanh, True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart
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If you were to see yourself as you really are, you would realize that you are neither man nor woman; you don't belong to any religion or caste or creed. You are really and truly the most fascinating, beautiful light of God. The highest Truth exists within your heart.
A sage
And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, The kingdom of God cometh not with obvservation; Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for behold, the kingdom of God is within you.
Luke 17: 20-21
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The best way to help women is to work on your fellow men. That's where the real struggle is--getting enlightenment through the concrete block known as a man's head.
Michael Moore
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Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Now Men. Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Sent in by a male reader with the comment, "Is this CLOSE?"
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That which the person is and that which the person could be exist simultaneously. The human being is simultaneously that which s/he is and that which s/he yearns to be.
Abraham Maslow
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She was intensely sympathetic. She was immensely charming. She was utterly unselfish. She excelled in the difficult arts of family life. She sacrificed herself daily. If there was chicken, she took the leg; if there was a draft, she sat in it--in short, she was so constituted that she never had a mind or wish of her own, but preferred to sympathize always with the minds and wishes of others. . . . I did my best to kill her. My excuse, if I were to be had up in a court of law, would be that I acted in self-defense. Had I not killed her, she would have killed me.
Virginia Woolf, "Professions for Women" (quoted in Sue Monk Kidd, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter
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We cannot develop a sense of worth unless the people important to us convey that they recognize and acknowledge our experience. Adults often do this for infants and children, of course. If a child expresses distress, adults try to figure out what the matter is, and to respond. Is the child afraid or tired or hungry? Or, if a child is joyous or just 'hanging out,' they join the child in that mode or mood, and the child feels attended to and recognized. This attention and recognition are just as vital for adults and must be present all through life.
Jean Baker Miller and Irene Pierce Stiver, The Healing Connection
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A sage, when asked if it is very difficult to get rid of things like lust, anger, arrogance, and fear, replied, "If you really want to get rid of them, it is not very difficult. If you really do not want to get rid of them, it is incredibly difficult."
Swami Muktananda
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Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means rather that the evil act is no longer a barrier to the relationship.
Martin Luther King Jr.
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Women feel deeply frustrated when they know they are not getting what they need--that is, to be listened to, understood, affirmed--yet feel guilty because they are not at all clear that it is reasonable to want something different from what they are getting.
The Stone Center
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Irkedness

I have often referred to myself as an information junkie. I have always read....alot. In the past, most of my reading revolved around "christian" authors. Something always irked me though about the message, I could not put my finger on it, it was deep down, and would not go away. I always just chalked it up to my "sin nature", you know that part of me that had to be "conquered" etc.

An example of something that would not sit well with me were the different "roles" and "needs" of the genders. All the talk about how a man needs to be respected and finds his identity in his job , a woman needs to feel love and finds her identity in her home, and all the "rules" that go along with those two thoughts, in order to meet these "needs". This is just one example, it is really an all encompassing thing that spills into all areas of life, friends, family, work, charity, and so on, this is just the easiest example for me to use.

Well, these things are true, BUT......I finally figured out the "but", I now see why these kinds of things have irked me , drum roll: they have irked me because they are only true at the EGO level, and also because the IC works hard to keep us stuck/focused on the EGO level, while at the same time telling us we are not good enough there. There it is, so simple, yet it took me decades to finally be able to realize it. (ETA, I only had to realize it, the answer was there all along, I did not have to "do" anything to get the answer, I just had to have an awareness of it, I did not have to read a book, or pray a prayer, or get told it by someone more wise than I )

Here is how I see it, from a generalized point of view: IC just wants to keep us at the ego level, IC wants to keep us locked into a shallow existence while lying to us telling us that learning these things makes us "deep" and more aware, and that we are doing things "God's way". In actuality this kind of thought process keeps us stuck, it feeds the ego so that it is satisfied and we become complacent, as long as the ego is getting regular feedings we do not feel the hunger for MORE, the hunger to get a deeper awareness. (ETA, I realize that I may be a bit off in this logic, this is where I am currently at, my current frame of reference and I believe over time with more awareness this reasoning will change as I see more and understand more, but this is what "serves" me at this time)

Think about it, a man who gets his EGO needs of being respected by his wife and kids, all the time, whether he is a respectable person or not, or a woman who gets her love needs met whether she is lovable or not, if they are getting these needs met then the EGO is satisfied enough to keep one comfortable in their level of awareness, it promotes a form of complacency. Yet all the while, deep down, in the recesses of their soul that do not get sunshine because of the shadow of the EGO they feel that all is not right, they sense something off but just cannot put their finger on it. This dissatisfaction surfaces in obscure ways, that do not lead to the realization of the true root issue, but can keep one on the wrong path for quite some time. They realize they are getting their "needs" met, so this feeling of dissatisfaction is confusing, they think they are in error to feel this because they have been told they should not, they should feel complete. Or they may think this feeling of dissatisfaction is because they are not getting these needs met as well as they could be, they need more respect or more love or to have it displayed or presented to them in a different fashion. This keeps them busy either trying to "right" their soul or trying to "get" those in their life to meet these needs in a different manner. This diverts one from moving beyond the EGO, thus keeping one trapped in the EGO layer of existence. One can think they are happy, content, getting the most out of life, but once one has moved beyond the EGO, then one realizes that that was really not ultimate truth, it felt like truth, and at that time perhaps it was truth for them, but really it was limited, moving beyond shows there is more to happiness and contentment and life.

OK, gonna go down the bunny trail a bit here, so get ready.

I got to thinking about how the Bible (and Christians) talk about wisdom and how there is worldly wisdom, book wisdom, and GOD's wisdom. How no wisdom is worth anything if you do not possess God's wisdom, and to get God's wisdom you have to read the Bible, you have to pray, GOD HAS to give it to you if you do the right things, (such as confess your sin, get yourself right with those in your life, tithe, go to "church" weekly, give to others, etc.) Well, this idea that God gives us His wisdom is bunk to my thinking at this time. God's wisdom is always in us, we do not get it, we just become aware of what was there all along.

If I can borrow from the parable of the pearl of great price for a moment. We all have many pearls in us, there is not just one pearl of great value, there are many and we all already possess them, we just are not aware of where they are buried in us, some of us have found a few, some of us more some of us less.

So, one of these pearls is the Wisdom of God. Pearls are found in Oysters, they are protected, and hidden, by the shell of the oyster. I liken the shell to the EGO. Oysters are pretty easy to find, they take work to get to though, you have to dive deep, it takes some effort, they just do not jump into the boat. Once you get the oyster, you can stop there if you chose. Like the EGO, an oyster unopened can bring a sense of satisfaction, one can be happy with just the unopened shell, one can polish it, put it on display, (I see this as what "Christians" do, this is what all those books I have read want us to do, to go through the motions so we can be happy with the shell of the oyster, figure out how to polish it to make is shine in a pleasing way, design a display case for it to have us feel pride in it, and so on).

Here is how this all ties together.

If we stay in the EGO, like the first paragraph, then we really cannot fully realize or have awareness of the wisdom of God that is already there. We keep the oyster shell closed. We need to move on beyond the Ego needs to the soul/spirit needs to get this awareness of who we really are and what we really need, and thus realize the wisdom of God that was there all along and be able to utilize it. We need to go beyond the EGO (open up the shell and find the pearls inside).

BUT.....you knew there was another but didn't you lol. When one gets the pearl out of an oyster they shuck the shell and toss it. I do not think this is really necessary, I actually think this is harmful. (now, I know my oyster analogy fails at some levels, such as the pearl was not always in the oyster, like I believe God's wisdom has always been in us). I think that our EGO is created by God, it is a part of us, thus, it is valid and necessary to who we are, what is important though is that we do not just focus on that one part of us, we need to become aware, to realize all the parts of us and to pay attention to them all equally. The EGO has taken such a bashing by many of us who are trying to go beyond the EGO and get to the pearl of great price, but see without the EGO the pearl would not be there.

Now, here is the bow on the string that ties it all together. God made us, all of us including the Ego, we are not to be controlled or ruled by the EGO, but we are also not to try and deny the EGO to the point of hoping it will disappear, because it is also a part of us, a part we have to pay attention to, the more aware we are the more the EGO becomes an ally instead of a foe. As such, we can still love the EGO and give it what it needs, such as men need respect, need to feel valued through their job, etc, but at this level, these things become icing on the cake at the end of a very filling nutritious meal, not the meal itself like the IC wants it to be